What the Blog

I am feeling pensive and odd. Today was my birthday and I have been dissecting the last year detail by detail to figure out what went wrong with my life. 

Did it start with me getting my wisdom teeth out last January? Did I lose something other than my teeth? Did the stress of that on top of daily life and rescuing dogs push me over the edge into the terrifying symptoms of Myasthenia? I have always been a stressed out person though, I have always thrived when under pressure, so I am not sure what really happened this last year. 

Did the Myasthenia start the wedge that eventually ended my marriage? It was hard on both of us, but ultimately it harder on me. Was it that first big surgery that pushed him away? Seeing me with a scar down the middle of my chest? Did it scare him or repulse him? Is that why I am now alone, pondering my thoughts one at a time, trying to make sense of what has happened? Was it the recovery that took so long? Or the naps I had to take just to function to get through the day? Or the meds I was on that physically made me sick and changed my body? Was it the next surgery, albeit common, but still a third time going under a knife in one year. 

Are the scars and pain what he now sees, and is that what pushed him away? Was it from me losing a job and him having to work overtime to make ends meet? Or me just withdrawing from everything and everyone? Could it have been because of the vitriol of this past years election that drove him a way? I after all am a liberal feminist, and he learned quickly I would never support who is coming into office. Perhaps he saw how truly liberal I am and that pushed him away. Was it from me going out of my way to befriend Muslims and people he was uncomfortable with? Or was it just me in general. I don't think I will ever know what truly began this downward spiral of our marriage. 

I need to be true to myself as he needs to be true to himself. Perhaps one day I will see the lesson from this failed marriage, but today, I ask why. I want to know why I am going through yet another hardship, why I have to carry such a burden, when I have carried such a difficult burden this entire past year. I want to scream why me, but what good does that do for me. What does that accomplish for me? For now, I am going to glue myself back together once again and move forward with my life. I am going to stop crying over what went wrong and shove it in that little box of whys that will never be answered and just carry on the best I can. I will pull myself out of this nightmare and one day will be stronger for it.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Till next time,
T.