What the Blog

This weekend I watched in pride and awe while working at the millions of women who marched for equality for all women, children, and men regardless of their religion, race, sexual orientation, disability, or creed. I desperately wished I could have marched myself, but could not because I could not take the time off of work. I cried when I saw my brother and sister in law march in Oklahoma, when my ex's ex sent pictures of her marching in Cincinnati, friends of mine from around the nation and the world sent me pictures of them marching in solidarity. Finally, finally some of the shame I felt from this election lifted and I thought to myself, we can impact our world and make a change, through peaceful protest.

Back in November, I helped create a FB page, with 4500 women and we all donned a hijab (traditional head covering for Muslim women) in a silent protest on 1/20/17 against the bigotry that DJT has time and again spewed towards Muslims. I felt proud of not only myself but all the beautiful women who had participated in this protest. The ultimate goal of this was to show our Muslim American sisters they are not alone, that we stand with them during these trying times. I see and read these beautiful women all working towards a common goal and I am grateful to be a part of it. 

Then it started... the messages telling me, I am a hypocrite, I am a fad follower, I do not actually care for anyone's rights but my own. I was told I am selfish and could never care about any others than myself and I thought... this person doesn't even know me, after years of knowing who I am and being "friends" he is completely in the dark on what drives me and makes me who I am. I thought of the irony of this person telling me I care nothing for others, especially after all the times I helped him out and I realized, I don't need another man in my life telling what to do, I don't need his approval to be me. I just need to be me. I subsequently deleted and blocked him from both my Facebook and phone because really, who needs additional negativity in their lives. 

This past year has been hard on me, I endured multiple surgeries, found out I had a chronic illness, lost my job and my husband. I have bad days, as anyone can read for themselves that follow my blog, but I also look on life knowing it can only get better if I try. I could wallow in self pity, but instead I have picked myself up once again and continue to move forward not only for myself, but for all women, all men, all children in a fight to have equal rights. True Christians do not judge, we continually pick ourselves up and help those in need with less than what we have, and I for one, will continue to do just that.

Till next time,
T.

I woke up at 445 in the morning the day after the election, I hastily looked at the results and with horror and dismay I realized the person I voted for did not win. I was stunned, I could not believe that America choose DJT to lead our country. I felt betrayed, scared, ashamed, a deep sense of loss and despair and cried as I watched the coverage of my country being torn apart.  

I wearily logged into work and began my day, silently crying as I spoke to each person who called to make a reservation. I ended up taking a half day because I physically could not stop crying for everything we were on the brink of losing. I was in complete shock and could not unplug myself from the barrage of coverage on social media and CNN. Eventually in the evening I stumbled upon an article from a blog I follow, scarymommy.com, with women who were speaking out afraid to wear their hijabs because of the current political climate. They were afraid to physically practice their religion in America, a country founded on religious freedom. 

As I read through the comments on the article, one comment stood out to me - a woman who said even though she was Catholic she would be happy to wear a hijab in solidarity with Muslim women and an idea was born. We created a page on Facebook, specifically to stand up for our Muslim sisters and today our idea became a reality. We brought together over 4500 women across the world and we covered our hair today in a silent protest against DJT, we covered our hair to stand with our Muslim sisters who are afraid to practice their religion openly, we covered our hair and empowered ourselves to stand up for one another. We are rising from the ashes of the feeling that our country we loved has been burned to the ground. We will stand together, we will stand for all women, men, and children, no matter their faith, no matter their race, no matter their sexuality, no matter their disability. We stand for each other, the truly good existing and lurking beneath the surface of the hatred and rhetoric we see daily.  

We will rise up, we will become the phoenix and we will not lose our rights or the equality our mothers and grandmothers fought so hardly for.

Till next time
T.

I am feeling pensive and odd. Today was my birthday and I have been dissecting the last year detail by detail to figure out what went wrong with my life. 

Did it start with me getting my wisdom teeth out last January? Did I lose something other than my teeth? Did the stress of that on top of daily life and rescuing dogs push me over the edge into the terrifying symptoms of Myasthenia? I have always been a stressed out person though, I have always thrived when under pressure, so I am not sure what really happened this last year. 

Did the Myasthenia start the wedge that eventually ended my marriage? It was hard on both of us, but ultimately it harder on me. Was it that first big surgery that pushed him away? Seeing me with a scar down the middle of my chest? Did it scare him or repulse him? Is that why I am now alone, pondering my thoughts one at a time, trying to make sense of what has happened? Was it the recovery that took so long? Or the naps I had to take just to function to get through the day? Or the meds I was on that physically made me sick and changed my body? Was it the next surgery, albeit common, but still a third time going under a knife in one year. 

Are the scars and pain what he now sees, and is that what pushed him away? Was it from me losing a job and him having to work overtime to make ends meet? Or me just withdrawing from everything and everyone? Could it have been because of the vitriol of this past years election that drove him a way? I after all am a liberal feminist, and he learned quickly I would never support who is coming into office. Perhaps he saw how truly liberal I am and that pushed him away. Was it from me going out of my way to befriend Muslims and people he was uncomfortable with? Or was it just me in general. I don't think I will ever know what truly began this downward spiral of our marriage. 

I need to be true to myself as he needs to be true to himself. Perhaps one day I will see the lesson from this failed marriage, but today, I ask why. I want to know why I am going through yet another hardship, why I have to carry such a burden, when I have carried such a difficult burden this entire past year. I want to scream why me, but what good does that do for me. What does that accomplish for me? For now, I am going to glue myself back together once again and move forward with my life. I am going to stop crying over what went wrong and shove it in that little box of whys that will never be answered and just carry on the best I can. I will pull myself out of this nightmare and one day will be stronger for it.

Happy Birthday to Me.

Till next time,
T.

Typing from my phone. Today has been so weird for me. Maybe it's because it really hit home how alone I feel right now. I have lots of friend and family that would come spend time with me but at the same time I don't want company. I want to wallow in my misery but scream from being bored and alone. I know eventually this feeling will go away but when? When will I feel like me again?

My soon to be ex husband and I decided to split up. He moved out, just up and left after saying he'd stay to help with the bills until I could find a roommate. Thankfully I found someone who will be moving in at the end of the month. But I'm still alone till then and it is a strange feeling. I haven't really been alone without roommate or relationship in years. Maybe when I first moved to Hilton head but that was 12 years ago. I slowly feel as if I am descending into a state of crazy or as my mom says I'm being manic.

So what if I am being a little manic? After all it's just another manic Monday. I miss so much that I used to do, I am finally healthy enough to do things again and feel like I am probably going into remission with MG (which is awesome) but now I want to do things. I want to travel and see old friends if mine, what do I do? Do I ignore my feelings? Shove them into a ball of nothingness and ignore them? Or do I go out and do something that makes ME happy? I am so tired of the same old same old. I hated last year, I don't want to hate this year to. What's a girl to do?

Decisions, decisions, decisions....

Till next time
T.

I feel as if we are on the brink of another dark ages. I don't think technology will be lost or anything as drastic as what happened when the Roman Empire fell but I do to an extent think that our very way of life in America is about to drastically change and I don't think it is a good change.

I know all about bad change, what with all I went though last year finding out I had MG and two subsequent surgeries to help with my symptoms, and now I am trying to eek out some kind of normalcy. It is not working. I have realized today how much I absolutely hate myself. I know its pretty fucking harsh, but I do. I hate everything I have physically lost, I want to know why I have such a fucked up disease, I am sick and tired all the time but look normal on the outside so I must not be that fucking sick. I spent NYE in the ER because I really am always fucking sick.

Now I look at the disease that has descended on the American political scene and wonder is it even worth it anymore? A President who isn't willing to give up his business while in office, who is appointing his children to positions with no political background or experience, no more ethics board to govern Congress and Senate and best of all a VP who gets in if our President is impeached would strip women of their rights. A man who believes in Creationism, who doesn't believe in birth control or abortions (even to save the mothers life) and thinks electric shock therapy will cure homosexuals.

What have we become??? What is the fucking point in this. Why am I fighting so hard, and what for? This is not the world I want to be in and this is not the body I want to have. I sit and contemplate how easy it would be to just end it all because what is worth all this headache, heartache, and disappointment day after day after day after day.

Till next time
T.

Each year I try and reflect today on what happened and what could have been. New Year's eve for me is a day that I think about what I could have done differently and what I can do differently in the upcoming year to grow and make myself a better person. I do not believe in "New Year's Resolutions" I believe in bettering myself and those around me if I can. I try to live my life as a series of lessons to learn from. This year has tried my faith, my semblance of life, and my patience. 

2016 was a hard year for me, perhaps the worse to date, but I learned so much more about myself. I learned I have an incurable autoimmune disease called Myasthenia Gravis, most people (doctors and nurses included) have no idea what it is or what it means to have MG. I learned that while I may not always have muscular strength to get something done, I certainly have not lost my inner fight to overcome and power on. Somedays I am fine and can do everything I want to do and others I cannot even get out of bed I am so weak. When the company I worked for let me go after I was diagnosed because they couldn't work around my new limitations, I said no, not gonna let you just walk all over me and I filed an EEOC and ADA complaint. We settled without a trial after mediation. I learned there are still good companies out there and I was able to find a full time job working from home with benefits that understands my needs and limitations. In today's economy this is a rare gem. I just celebrated my 6 months with them. 

I learned more about my family this year than any other, my mother, father, sister, brother, and husband all stepped up to help us out. My mother and sister sat with me daily for months before and after a major surgery I had. They cooked and helped around the house while my husband was at work. I never expected them not to but after reading the lack of family support in some of the MG support groups online, I have learned that I am lucky for the family I was blessed with. They all researched what I have and what it means for me, they understand that some days will be good and some days will be bad and nothing can be done for it. 

I learned I really am a feminist this year. I have always believed in equality, freedom of speech, freedom of religion but this year I watched countless bills put into office to restrict women of their reproductive rights, to restrict women of their religious freedom, to restrict women in general. I have watched in dismay all year at the potential of a woman in the white house to have my hopes dashed and I have read the horror stories of women who are afraid to openly wear their religious clothing in public with our President-Elect. I created a page for women only, to support one another, to love one another and to build each other up. While I am not an overly religious person, I am Catholic, and I will be covering my hair on 1/21/17 to stand in solidarity with all my Muslim sisters as a protest to who our incoming President purports himself to be: Anti-women, Anti-color, Anti-religion, Anti-LGBTQ+, Anti-disability, Anti-immigration, Pro sexism, Pro-white privilege. My father worries I am making myself a target, but also is proud of me for standing up for my beliefs. These are beliefs my parents instilled in me when I was young, these are not liberal or conservative views, they are my beliefs that ALL women and men are equal and therefore should be treated as such. 

I have made many new friends with similar views and a few with opposing views, I cherish their differences and have learned from them. This coming year I will continue to stand for my beliefs, I will continue to fight for equality and for those with disabilities such as myself. I will continue to speak up and speak out for those who are beaten down by the system, for those who have lost hope and for those who need a voice. Everyone has a voice, but we have to be willing to use that voice to truly see change. This year I will become more active in my local community politics. I will keep calling and emailing my state representatives to express my dismay at their antiquated views on equality and I will keep being me. I will keep growing and learning to make this year a better year than what 2016 has felt to me.

Till next time
T.

Last March I was diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disorder, called Myasthenia Gravis and I honestly thought the days leading up to this diagnosis were the worst of my life. The day I got diagnosed was a relief, but the days afterward, learning about my new limitations and what I could no longer do were awful. I would give anything for those days back today.

Two weeks ago, I excitedly and proudly cast my vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton, I truly believed in her message and really thought she would be the next president of the United States. Last night I fell asleep watching the election coverage on my iPad in bed and at 445 this morning woke up with CNN still streaming, and then I saw it.... I saw that Donald Trump had won instead. I have been in a state of shock since. I have been crying off and on all day and thankfully managed to get through work today.

I researched possibly moving to Canada, but my company is not currently doing any transfers to Canada, and would they really take me in having a chronic illness? So I am obviously staying in America, although not the one I grew up in. I grew up in an America that believed in progress and diverse cultures. Our new America believes in hate, bigotry, racism, discrimination, and misogyny, or I should say 1/2 of our nation believes in this along side President Elect Trump. If they have always believed this way then they hid it well, but it is now out in the open for all to know.

I am a straight white woman of Italian descent, my family came here about 100 years ago and now i wonder, is it time for us to leave? My biggest fear is that I am a woman and it is now ok for sexually predatory behavior (this is what our President Elect said), but what about my Black friends, Latino friends, my Muslim friends, my Jewish friends, my Lesbian friends, my Gay friends and my Trans friends? What about them? Are they all going to be "deported" or put into "camps" because of their faith or who they fundamentally are? Who will he attack next? Catholics? Will I end up in the same place as my diverse friends?

I understand I have to accept the results of this election, I understand that is what sets us apart, a peaceful transition of power and I will just not today. Instead, today I weep for the country we were, the country that had so much potential, the country we should be and the country we could have been.

Till Next Time:
T.